Life Can Be So Difficult

I know. Why post again so quickly? Sigh.

The answer is that for some reason, posting the previous article about the Naughty Shorts book Trikki is writing lifted my spirits so much.

Also, it has made me make a decision. It helped set a course of action.

From making that decision I can feel a new lease of life, a new me even though I’ve not had a session in such a long time. Opening myself up has also been cathartic.

How long has it been since I had a session?

Maybe six months. Heavens. I can give five or more sessions to my clients in an evening, but does Mistress Tish get anything in return (well there is the money)? No. The answer is I give and give and all I get is cold hard emotionless money. Where is my stress relief? Who puts back into me? How an I fulfilled?

Who understands the difficulty of crafting BDSM sessions that captivate and consume my clients, shift their perceptions into sub space and gives them relief more than me?

Often clients and others peripherally on the edges of BDSM think the Mistress is all seeing and all knowing. Let me tell you. It can be a challenge. Sure I have an eye that takes in and analyzes with one glance. I see the kneeling slave, I can almost get into his or her head, then I craft the session to fulfil. To consume. To transport. But it comes at a cost. Nothing is for free. I put in energy both physical and emotional.

The physical effort is easy. I work out, I run, I swim and do a little martial arts training. But the emotional energy is different. It lingers. It sits deeply. Sometimes after a big afternoon and evening of giving demanding sessions I am washed out. I feel like my brain is almost bruised and I’ve got nothing more to give.

I suppose it would be easier if I didn’t care about my clients. I could just sort of session them. I could ease up on the creativity. I could fixate on me and my needs instead of giving them what they need (as opposed to what they want) and I think that would be a lot easier.

The problem is that it would not be honest. I would not be providing a proper service to them. I know my client list would shrink and my return-rate would drop. So the money would reduce. DAMN it is all about the money again.

I can only be me and that comes at a cost.

The Pleasures Of a Boyfriend

Now those of you following my blog (thank you) know that Roger has been a God-send for me. I’m not a clingy-needy person, but having a steady boyfriend has been a revelation.

Together and being a couple is almost addictive. Being up front and honest with him on night one was a winning strategy. Now he understands who I am and we form a couple based on trust and connection. Sure, the sex is brilliant and his mind is even better. Wow. The full package.

Hmm. I’ve not tried him with dancing yet. He is a bit geeky. It could be challenging to keep a straight face if I get him onto the dance floor. Oh dear. I’m feeling the humour in that right now. Again my spirits lift.

The problem is that the wonderful togetherness, the sex, the snuggling between the sheets and the soul touching communication aren’t the complete thing for me. My own need for a BDSM session is still there. It festers. It grows.

It is so hard to be honest isn’t it.

I know I expect it of my clients, yet when it is me and writing those words I was and am so tempted to erase the whole article.

The Stigma Lingers

What is it with this? I am a professional dominatrix yet I struggle to express my needs. It feelts strangly hypocritical and that upsets me. I hate dishonesty.

I know my sessions make my subs feel better. They come in stressed out, tense, almost quivering in their inner tensions. Then when they leave they are truly new people.

Yet I struggle with my own needs. I struggle to express them. Most of all I struggle to actually do something about it.

I have tried therapy. A little. It was a mixed blessing as not all therapists are created equal. In fact, before my first session where Magenta sessioned me, I spent an agonizing couple of hours on the couch talking about me. The insights from that really did help.

Maybe this could be yet another ‘short’ for Trikki. Mistresses first session. Oh dear. That would make it even slower to be released.

On that. Therapy. It is a strange thing to open oneself up to a stranger. No matter that they are a professional. But doing it really is helpful.

Thinking about that some more, it is exactly what my clients do when I session them. I am their therapist. I listen to their needs, I analyze their reactions, I take them through a session that gives them fundamental relief.

So why am I so precious about this?

It is a stigma that lingers long after my vanilla upbringing. My parents instilled in me a certain mind set that is not compatible with my work or my needs. Now I find that struggle in accepting I am a real person with real needs.

I will have a session.

Having made the decision and writing this, I feel the relief in me.

To Be Complete

But you dear reader, and I know many of my subs follow my exploits, you all now know that Mistress is a real person with her own needs. She’s maybe not the ice-queen she portrays in session.

Like us all, Mistress is multi faceted. Denying one piece of Mistress, pushing it into the background leads to significant stress. Just like for her subs.

So, it is time for Mistress Magenta to take me to sub space again for an hour. The questions that leap out are;

1. What do I tell Roger?

2. Should he participate?

Sure, Mistress Tish gets her full service sub Angel to give her clients a happy ending. Should Mistress Tish when she is having a session herself have a happy ending? It is appealing. Roger may in fact enjoy it for a double or more happy ending.

Damn. Those are diverting thoughts.

Then the next demeaning question is;

3. Should I tell Trikki for his naughty shorts?

Damn and triple damn.  How precious is Mistress with her needs? That is the real question. Oh. And how brave?

I need to talk to Magenta about this. When Trikki eventually publishes his book of naughty shorts it will be probably be over 500 pages and growing. I think he needs a little push to get it finished.

Pay safe and sane,

‘Tish